Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Delete: 24/7 Michael Jackson News Coverage

The King of Pop's death has turned into a larger social event than the assassination of former President John F. Kennedy, 9/11, the fall of the Soviet Union, and Global Warming. Move over AL Gore.

For the past 2 weeks, without even a second's pause, every angle of his death, including unlicensed doctors, whorish money hungry ex-wives, and rumored eating disorders have been swarming every major news channel.You know there's a problem when self proclaimed "Queen of Media" Perez Hilton, is covering the story just as extensively as CNN.

How convenient, in a time where our country is embarking on a second Cold War, we choose to focus 100% of media attention on the death of an iconic pop star. I smell CONSPIRACY!!

Perhaps this is too soon, but, Kim Jung Ill of North Korea must be licking his lips in satisfaction right now.
"This is the perfect time to pran Operation Derete America! Fiya the Missows!"
Now that we know Michael Jackson's entire life story, perhaps our news channels should convert from their downward spiral transition into "National Inquirer" status and start delivering some serious news about the mortal status of our country.


Just for a Laugh:

And just as an aside, what happened to everyone calling Michael Jackson a serial boy-lover? Perhaps this is too soon, but though he held the world record for celebrity charity donations, perhaps everyone forgot that he was a huge benefactor for NAMBLA. (too soon?) What about 'Wacko Jacko'?

ABC, CNN, FOX, NBC: Thank you, for joining hands in an unprecedented attempt to bring the national IQ down from it's already devastatingly low average.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Delete: Genital Herpes Commercials

It's dinner time. As I sit down to eat, I turn on the news to see what's going on in the world, as many of us usually do. About to take a bite into my perfectly constructed roast beef sandwich, "I have genital herpes" blaring from multiply voices as the commercial for Valtex comes on...somehow this sandwich is no longer appetizing.

It seems that Valtrex and medications for other various venereal ailments are most advertised during prime time television viewing hours. A swift kick in the ass after a long work day. The last thing anyone wants to hear is that most people have genital herpes, got it from their partner, and as their crotch area is festering away they are not even aware of the POTENTIALLY SEVERE CONSEQUENCES to the result of their sexual irresponsibilities.

The people I feel most sorry for are the sorry bastards that actually opt to be a part of these godforsaken advertisements. I imagine this conversation between aspiring Los Angeles actors:

"Waiter/Actor #1: ...Yeah, I have been talking to my agent, but prospects are looking grim for being cast in anything substancial.
Waiter/Actor #2: Actually, I was in a commercial recently. It's no big deal but they run it on prime time shows, CNN, you know... I get some good visibility.
#1: Really!? That's Great! What for?!
#2: *whispers under breath* ..Valtrex.
Valtrex? What? I couldn't hear you..
oh MAN! hahahaha no WONDER you haven't landed a date in the past 6 months!"
Poor bastards. And then you wonder, do the people in these commercials actually suffer from herpes? or were they just desperate enough to take the first job that fell in between their legs?

The artistic flare that comes along with these commericals is an attempt to mask the true misfortune behind the advertisement's message. I wish they would address the elephant in the living room, rather than trying to cover it with black/white filters and cunningly artistic editing techniques.

I'd appreciate a more honest approach: "IF YOU HAVE HERPES AND LIFE IS GETTING YOU DOWN, take VALTREX and maybe people will trust your sexual judgement and sleep with you once again!"


Delete: Fair People

It's summertime, 'tis the season for sunbathing, beachgoing, shopping, and maybe even starting that damn diet you've been promising to yourself for the past decade. For some however, the summer marks the beginning of the much anticipated fair season!

Gosh, your local county fair! What a great way to support your community, see the sights, and maybe even get your handwriting analyzed by a real live psychic!

...For those of us that slide above the lowest common denominator of society, the county fair ignites psychosomatic reactions of full body chills, nausea, and moral fear. For everyone else, congradulations, you may fit the criteria of fair person.

For fair folk: What could be more fun than walking amongst the morbidly obese, paying nauseatingly high prices to ride death defying "we-constructed-this-in-a-matter-of-minutes" rollercoasters, and spending your life savings to win your girlfriend that oversized Spongebob with uncompromised determination?

To help your fearlessly expanding waistline, the fair provides all kinds of delicious deep-fried foods to accelerate the natural selection process. Deep fried oreos, chocolate bars, coca-cola, and twinkies. For those of you who aren't erotically attracted to the battered goods, make your way over to the "FULL ROASTED ANIMAL CARCASS" so you can walk around making homage to your caveman ancestors.

What's that, your girlfriend is 6 months pregnant with what may or may not be your child? That's ok, she can wait at the "Tilt-a-Whirl" exit, cheering you on while you empty the contents of your stomach with machine gun-like projection.

Though California is billions of dollars in debt, how could we skip the summer fair tradition for say, something more socially useful.

If you are a fair person, continue eating yourself into oblivion and handing your life savings over to the toothless wonders at the horseshoe side-show. Keep at it and they might even include you in the "World's Largest Cow" exhibit!


Monday, June 15, 2009

Delete: Elitist Foodies

America loves to eat, but the various ways that we express our love for sustenance never ceases to amaze me. With the help of the Food Network, gourmet food driven publications, and the increasing hype of the restaurant scene, a new breed of food lover has emerged, the elitist foodie.

Though these terms can be mutually exclusive, the elitist foodie is recognizable immediately upon first impression. These are the folks that will spend obscene amounts of money to eat at only the most reviewed and expensive restaurants, that feel that their compulsive obsessions with the food network and Gourmet magazine have accredited them with a certified culinary expertise.

"Waiter:...Welcome to Chili's..
Elitist Foodie #1: *fake British accent* You know, I think you should really consider adding caramelized truffle oil with beluga caviar to your menu. It is the best way to up the reputation of any restaurant.
Elitist Foodie #2: I completely agree, what a great business tip dear!
Waiter:*blinks in silence*."

What happened to appreciating food that tastes good? Plain and simple?

And don't even bother ordering something normal off of the menu when you are out to dinner with this type of person, because chances are they are going to judge you for your inferior meal choice, ultimately establishing some kind of awkward digestive hierarchy that will come through in conversation throughout the duration of the meal.

A consolation to us members of the 'lower class', people like this will eat anything if you tell them it's rare and expensive. You could sell them a flaming bag of shit if was advertised as "Merde A Flambe".


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Delete: MTV's Next

It's Friday afternoon, with nothing to do I turn on the tube and flip through the channels coming only to the 6 hr Next marathon on MTV. The concept seems entertaining enough, 5 boys/girls get on a bus only to be rejected by some cretin who has been empowered to decide with whom to romantically swap venereal diseases.

"Lyke Hi I'm KATRINA I'm 19 And I'm not gonna get nexted because with these tits, no one will notice my herpes!"

While one person is off the Next bus trying to win over the man/woman of his/her dreams, the rest of the players are stuck on the bus...bored...lonely...horny. Ultimately the bus situation turns into a semi-erotic soft-core porn situation, where everyone is daring each other to tongue kiss, or play with Katrina's prosthetic nipples.

Who the hell writes the dialogue for this show? I'd like to shake his hand, and then you know, give him a good beating. And why does everything rhyme? And why does every douche bag on this show seem like the archetypal illustration of every man from Orange County? And why am I still watching this?

Like a contagious infection this show somehow always finds itself onto our television sets. Don't lie, you love watching life on the Next bus.. now pardon me while I pop some more anti-depressants.


Friday, June 12, 2009

Delete: Expensive Cupcakes

Ah yes, we have entered a new age, one of pets dressed in designer clothes, diamond encrusted cell-phone covers, and of course, haute cupcakes...yes I actually just used the word haute to describe what was once a humble dessert.

You want to be trendy? Want to be accepted by all the cool kids at Beverly Hills High? Then I have your secret! Spend over $5 on a CUPCAKE so that the world can see how disposable your wealth is. People actually line up for this shit! Why don't you just take your money and rip it up into tiny little pieces to use as seasoning on your next meal?

"Wife: Look Honey, I just bought two dozen sprinkles cupcakes made with imported Madagascar Vanilla and Chocolate from the high peaks of the Himilayas for our puppy's birthday! And what a steal they only cost $3,000 dollars!
Husband: *chokes on rare coffee blend from Sudan*"
I don't care that these cupcakes are more expensive because of their yup-tastic flavor combinations and exotic imported ingredients. Why are cupcakes being taken seriously as an epicurean phenomenon!? It's a fucking CUPCAKE for christ's sake, you know the ones you made with granny on rainy days to bring to your kindergarten teacher?

Looking at the Sprinkles website, they actually have a chai latte cupcake. *throws up in mouth*

What's next? Couture breakfast cereal?


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Delete: NYSE Opening Bell Ceremony

Watching the morning (mourning) news has become something of a ritual for many hardworking American men and women. We love our daily dose of positive news at the crack of dawn: the most recent terrorist attacks, kitten rescues, and strange domestic murder cases provide us with just the right attitude to face our 9-5 cubicle jobs.

THEN, like a swift kick in the ass, they broadcast that DAMN opening bell ceremony at the NYSE. Aww, look at all those corporate douchebags celebrating their financial fortitude, clapping away at the growing gap between their top 1% and the poor fucks that actually have to WORRY about healthcare!

A hypothetical conversation between two of the folks up there on the opening bell stage:
"Corporate Douche 1: ah yes Janice, another glorious day here on Wallstreet! My you look fabulous in that red business suit, what I could do to that fine a-*bell rings* oh there's the bell! do clap, do clap
Janice: *while applauding* Oh no! Look at all those negative numbers up there on the board! Guess I'll have to reschedule that Brazilian wax.....haha just kidding! That's what America's tax dollars are for!"
*awkward pause* So what should the viewer be celebrating while watching this ABSOLUTE MOCKERY OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?! Your new homeforclosure, your inability to afford good healthcare, the new episode of "Paris Hilton's new B.F.F." oh wait you can't afford cable anymore, nevermind.

We will be avenged.

That's right G.M., you are just one of many big stwong corporations that has gotten the big FLUSH.

So keep clapping NYSE, you can laugh all the way to the bank, until you realize that the bank has been closed and someone like Madoff played you for FOOLS. FOOOOOOOOLS.

Stop celebrating, Party's over!