Delete: Pretentious Hippies

Picture yourself enjoying a nice cup of coffee and reading the daily paper at your local Starbucks...Everything is fine and grand until suddenly you are bombarded by some leftist asshole who feels compelled to tell you that every sip of coffee you're drinking is single-handedly destroying the third world. "Is that coffee free-trade and organic? I don't think so. Do you know how many poor Nicaraguans were taken advantage of just so you can presumptuously drink that mug of coffee sir?"

NO, I didn't realize that my caffeine addiction had that kind of social power! My GOD! I'm king of the world!

Where did all the real hippies go? You know, the ones that were all about free sex and drugs, those were the good kind. Now a new breed of this liberal bunch has formed, the pretentious hippies. Pretentious hippies only associate with people that rise to their smug level, appreciating the smell of their own flatulence, driving hybrid cars, and screaming at conservatives for ruining the world.

Pretentious hippies? Chill the fuck out. You are a walking oxymoron.

Delete.

Delete: Collagen Lip Injections

Who wakes up in the morning and thinks, "hmm, you know? I'd like to get some fat taken out of my ass and injected into my face!!"

Living close to Newport Beach, I come face to...lip with these degenerates on a regular basis. I don't care if your lips are as thin as an anorexic supermodel, the alternative makes you look like the missing link between duck and human, you're an EVOLUTIONARY BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After working in multiple restaurants where these big lipped beasts frequently dine, I have learned to decipher their native tongue. "Cub you pweaze bwing some bubbwy wader?" Simply means "could you please bring some bubbly water?" And so forth..

If you have an ugly face, no need to resort to surgery.. Just find someone loving and caring who loves you for YOU... Unless of course your personality has absolutely no redeeming features, then I guess you probably should just get the surgery.

Delete.

Delete: Relationship People

You know who you are: The girl/guy that has the compulsive need to ALWAYS be in a relationship, disappearing off the face of the earth during these periods of romantic dystopia.

Though common but not required, relationship people date other relationship people so that eventually the rest of society considers the couple something of a conjoined twin rather than separate entities...this type of relational duo is colloquially known as a 'Delete Couple'.

Don't make friends with this type of person folks, because chances are, they are only hanging out with you during the interim low period in their endless search for a spouse. As soon as that boyfriend comes along this type of person may as well be dead, because you will never see them again without their parasitic tumor (significant other)....

People, there is no need to fear the single life, it is OK to be alone... I mean look at me, I haven't experienced human social interaction in years! and LOOK IM COMPLETELY NORMALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl$&*@#$^%

Delete.

Delete: Doggie Dress-up

This is something I will never understand, why do people feel compelled to spend obscene amounts of money to dress up their domestic animals?

What you must understand is that dressing up your dog will not mask its hideousness. Not only does it make the poor animal even more ugly than it already is, but it seriously ups the level of your douchbaggery to the unacceptable degree.

"Lyke OMG, how cayooot is my dog! I bought him this new JUICY jumpsuit and now we lyke MATCH!" ....Do you really want to look more like your dog than you already do?

Buying outfits for you dog does not up your social status, it simply increases your Delete-ability, making you one of the most obnoxious indivuduals in existence.

Though your dog's intellect may match your own, by no means do you have to emphasize this by purchasing outfits for it.

Delete you, and your god forsaken animal.

Delete: Non-fat Sugar Free Vanilla Latte People

Being a former Starbucks employee*, there is nothing worse than the brand of person with a tyrannical dictator's sense of entitlement that STRICTLY orders a non-fat sugar-free vanilla latte and/or a frappuccino lite.

Let me just tell you something, a bit of truth from the Starbucks Barista Society, when you order one of these seemingly guiltless beverages, the chances of you actually getting the non-fat sugar-free version are slim to none. ESPECIALLY if you are one of the types with a horrendous attitude, humongous plastic additions to your skeletal frame, botox injections, and enough hair extensions to support Locks of Love into the next decade. Delete.

You really want to watch your waistline? Order a shot of espresso, or you know, take up that meth addiction you've always wanted. Do yourself and the rest of the world a favor and improve your attitude, no one wants to interact with you. and another bit of advice, don't fuck with people that are preparing your food, this type of high-risk behavior may lead to extreme abdominal discomfort and/or diarrhea.

If you are a man (pumped up on 'roids and fake tanner) and order this beverage, you are a disgrace to society. Go back to the Jersey Shore.

*keep in mind, my resent for this type of person has much to do with the fact that the Starbucks location I worked for was in the heart of Newport Beach: materialistic, superficial, silicon delight.

Delete.

Delete: Counterproductive Anti-Marjiuana PSAs

So, between talking dogs and sitting on Pete's couch for 11 hours, I begin to wonder what kind of pot these people are smoking....and where I can get some for myself...

It seems that these ads have really taken a turn for the worse with their approach. First it was, don't smoke marijuana kids, its a dangerous drug that makes you violent and unpredictable.
Now it's, hey kids don't smoke weed or you'll be sitting on the couch in some person's basement until your old and senile, talking to the family dog...

Don't convince people that smoking pot is going to make your housepets talk. Fools! This is counterproductive, I would smoke weed solely for that purpose if I thought it were possible.

Above the Influence? Seriously?

Delete.

Delete: Bridezillas

I don't care that you're getting married and you feel that it is the most important event in the history of mankind. For the rest of the world, you are nothing more than an extremely unpleasant blip on the radar. My BAT MITZVAH was more of a social concern than your marital ceremony.

Your poor husband, I suppose he can plan on never getting another blowjob, Bridezilla the BEAST is not a philanthropist.

Bridezillas, you know who you are, the crazy bitch that screams at the caterers for overcooking the bacon wrapped dates, and the woman who contemplates homicide when the cake is the wrong shade of "ocean breeze" turquoise.

I have an idea, why don't you take that overwhelming self righteousness and marry one of those life-like sex dolls. It's the best of both worlds, not only do you have a husband that will listen to you talk for hours on end, but you can have sex whenever you want and never have to give up the remote control when your favorite episode of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" is on!!!!!!!!

Delete.